When I first launched this site I stated that At Eternity’s Gate would hopefully be finished in September, or possibly beyond. Well we are definitely in the beyond camp now. It’s not that I haven’t written the book, I most certainly have. I just haven’t written the best version of it that can exist. This is partly due to some life changes, as the summer has been full of new things for me, including but not limited to:
- Nausea inducing bouts of existential ponderings.
- Moving away from somewhere I’ve lived a long time.
- Not having a job (which was planned, except for the crippling anxiety).
- Adapting to life with cats. Very evil animals indeed.
- Asphyxiating levels of self doubt and dense waves of depression.
It’s been hard to reflect properly and admit that I haven’t been who I used to be and who I aspire to become. By no means am I unfamiliar to this process. As years come and go this is a part of a seemingly endless cycle, one that can be easier to deal with or harder than it’s ever been. Writing and rejection and uncertainty comprise a plague I doubt I’ll ever be able to bleed completely from my veins, but I’m trying to, god dammit. Most crafters of fiction wade through similar thoughts so I hardly proclaim to be the king of all prose related suffering, but I have to say something, face it all somehow or else I’ll never get better.
If our greatest obstacles were manifested as sea monsters and transdimensional entities at least we could stab swords through them. But they’re not. Our swords have to be forged from time and thought and patience. A walk in the woods. A hug from a friend. Stupid internet cartoons and pictures. Inspiring tweets from your favorite bands. The way a leaf doesn’t complain about falling from a tree and dying.
I try and hold myself to herculean, super hero standards for my outlook on life and my actions. When I fall short of them Mount Olympus crashes down on me. Hopefully I’m surfacing from a blood soaked maelstrom of dismembered thoughts and self criticism and can continue to boldly go forward and do what no one but myself can do. This imagination is being sharpened and set upon At Eternity’s Gate with force. I won’t venture another guess as to when it will be completed, but when it’s finished there are sure to be miles of pulsing wet entrails stretched out behind me. Don’t bother wearing clean socks if you plan on following.
I’ve written a short story I’ve played around with for a while and will probably post it here once I get some feedback and find a better title. Until then stay frosty, and go buy Hyper Light Drifter and play the preview (you have to purchase the $25 dollar version to play). It’s one of the best projects I’ve backed and has an incredible atmosphere and art style (see the image above) that has really helped me focus and cope.